Greetings, nice to meet you. You really look much better than I had expected, and I came with high expectations already. Had a nice trip? Didn’t get bored on the way here? What were you thinking during those three hours? No, wait, what the hell, I can’t ask you that, I practically just met you. Wouldn’t that sound a bit odd? I like your outfit, it matches your skin color wonderfully. But I think that comment would hit you as a surprise as well. I mean, it’s been five seconds, tops, but I already noticed that. Creepy? Well, I’m an observer, it’s in my nature, I pay close attention to details most of the time. Sometimes to irrelevant ones, but whatever. I’ll just skip that altogether, I don’t want you to feel harassed.
What about you, are you an observer as well? I know it’s been such a short time, but, I don’t know, did you look at the beanie in my hand? I just took it off while on the flight of stairs. That’s why my hair is so weirdly combed, don’t think elsewise. Or my perfume, can you feel it? Do you like it? I put it on some eight hours ago, so the smell is probably weakened by a stench of sweat by now, but maybe you have a better nose than mine. Mine’s actually good as it is, I already felt your perfume, or shampoo, or body lotion, or body odor; whatever it is, I like it anyhow. Think I actually smelt it through the door as I turned the key on the lock. Truth be told, it could be anyone, but by now I’m completely certain it’s yours. In fact, I’d dare even state that it is indeed your body lotion that smells the most, since your legs are freshly shaven, are they not? Hold on, I wasn’t staring at your body, I don’t want to. I mean, I do (already did?) and will certainly do so later, but a straight look upon your gaze is at the moment most crucial. It’s just that my eyes were gazing at the floor as I came through the door and you were standing straight in front of me with your smooth-looking legs peeking out of your coat and I couldn’t help but stare for a second. That lovely skin tone of yours really caught my eye.
Shit, sorry, I’m way too distracted. I see you’re not drinking anything, want a beer? Or are you more of the cocktails kind of person? I’d buy you one, but I myself am more of a beer kind of guy and that’s all I have for the moment. Wait, no, I don’t want you to think I rely on alcohol to drive my small talk. Sure, it helps (a lot), but I can hold a conversation without resorting to it. I can talk about anything, as long as you feel comfortable. But I really don’t know you, what can we talk about? Well, anything, really. Wonderful, actually, but what can I do to make it come off as natural?
Want a smoke? I hate smoking, nicotine breath is not the one I like to smell the most, but I’d take that any day in place of swallowing an uncomfortable silence. Well, maybe not in every scenario, but definitely during this one. It’s just that I really want (need) to cause a good first impression, but how can I ask anything of the before mentioned without sounding a creep, a weirdo, a bore, a boozehound, a player?
Guess I’ll just play it safe, then: “Hey, how you doing?”